How to Talk to Your Spouse About Using a QDRO for Financial Planning

As family law attorneys, we know money conversations in marriage are rarely easy. Talking about budgets can feel tense. Talking about debt can stir up guilt. Talking about retirement and financial planning? That’s often pushed to “someday.”

Now imagine throwing a technical phrase like Qualified Domesti Relations Order (QDRO) into the mix. If you’ve recently learned about this strategy — a way for married couples to use a Qualified Domestic Relations Order to shift retirement assets without divorcing — you might be wondering: How do I even bring this up to my spouse without confusing or alarming them?

This post is designed to help. We’ll cover what a QDRO is in plain English, why a couple might use one, and practical tips for discussing it openly with your partner. Think of this as your roadmap for turning a technical financial tool into a shared opportunity, not a source of stress.

Step 1: Understand the Basics Yourself

Before you start the conversation, it helps to have a simple explanation ready. You don’t need to memorize tax codes or court cases — just a clear, couple-friendly way of describing it.

Here’s one you can use:

“A QDRO is usually something people use during a divorce to split retirement accounts like 401(k)s or pensions. But the law actually allows couples who are still married to use them too. Basically, it lets us move retirement money between us in ways that could save on taxes, delay required withdrawals or protect assets if we ever face big health care costs.”

That’s enough to get the idea across. You’re not “selling” your spouse — you’re opening the door for a joint decision.

Step 2: Choose the Right Moment

Timing matters. Dropping the phrase “Qualified Domestic Relations Order” over dinner after a long workday is unlikely to land well. Instead:

• Pick a calm weekend morning.

• Bring it up while doing financial chores together, like paying bills.

• Frame it as something you just learned and want to explore, not something you’ve already decided.

A good opening might be: “I came across something new in retirement planning — it’s called a QDRO. I thought it could be worth looking into together. Can I explain what I’ve learned so far?” or better yet send them the posts on this site.

Step 3: Emphasize the “We”

Money topics often feel like blame games. Avoid language that makes it sound like you’re managing or controlling your spouse’s accounts. Instead, use we language.

Examples:

• “We could delay some of our taxes by shifting accounts between us.”

• “This might help us protect our money if one of us ever needs nursing care.”

• “I’d like us to look at this together with a financial advisor.”

Framing it as a team decision keeps the focus on partnership, not power.

Step 4: Share the Benefits in Real-Life Terms

The technical advantages of an In-Marriage QDRO can feel abstract. Translate them into simple, practical scenarios your spouse can relate to.

Example 1: Delaying Required Minimum Distributions (RMDs)

“Once you hit your early 70s, the IRS makes you take money out of retirement accounts whether you need it or not. That means extra taxes. But if we used a QDRO, we could move some of those funds to the younger spouse’s name and delay those taxes for years. More time for the money to grow.”

Example 2: Protecting Against Nursing Home Costs

“If one of us ever needs long-term care, Medicaid rules can wipe out retirement income. But a QDRO might allow us to transfer the pension or 401(k) income into the name of the spouse who stays at home. That way we protect the money and still qualify for benefits.”

Example 3: Emergency Cash Without Penalties

“Normally, if you take money out of a retirement account before age 59½, you get hit with a 10% penalty. But using a QDRO, one of us could access funds without that penalty if we ever had a real emergency.”

When your spouse can picture actual life situations, the benefits feel less like abstract tax talk and more like practical security.

Step 5: Address Fears Head-On

It’s natural for your spouse to worry. The word “QDRO” is often tied to divorce, so they may immediately think: Why are we talking about this — are you planning to leave me?

Be ready to clarify: “This has nothing to do with divorce. We’d still be married and planning together. It’s just using the same legal tool that divorcing couples use, but in a way that benefits us while staying married.”

Other common fears:

• Losing control of money. Explain that the transfer would be planned, documented, and done through the court with professional help like those at Ovando Bowen LLP.

• IRS trouble. Share that the IRS, Department of Labor, and federal courts have all confirmed this is legal when done properly.

• Complexity. Acknowledge that it’s not simple — that’s why you’d only consider it with guidance from an attorney like those at Ovando Bowen LLP and financial planner.

Step 6: Frame It as a Joint Exploration, Not a Done Deal

Nobody likes being told what to do with their money. Instead of saying, “We should do this,” try:

• “I think it’s worth asking a financial advisor about.”

• “Would you be open to meeting with an attorney to see if this makes sense for us?”

• “We don’t have to decide now, but I didn’t want to keep it to myself.”

The goal isn’t immediate agreement. The goal is to spark curiosity and invite your spouse into the decision-making process.

Just remember this is a newer strategy and many attorneys and financial advisors are not familiar with this process. Make sure to seek attorneys who have experience with QDRO's for married couples like those at Ovando Bowen LLP. Even if we can't help you because you don't live in California or Hawai'i, we can refer you to an attorney in your state.

Step 7: Talk About Risks Honestly

Hiding risks will only backfire. Be upfront:

• Divorce risk. Once funds are transferred, they legally belong to the receiving spouse. If the marriage ended, that could matter.

• Death risk. If one spouse dies after receiving funds, they control who inherits them.

• Costs. Court filings, plan fees, and attorney fees can add up — in the thousands.

• Time. The process can take months, not days.

By acknowledging risks, you show that you’re not trying to push a one-sided idea. You’re being realistic and transparent.

Step 8: Suggest Professional Guidance

This step helps take the pressure off your marriage. Instead of the two of you debating the pros and cons, suggest bringing in experts.

You might say: “Why don’t we make an appointment with a financial advisor or attorney? They can walk us through whether this makes sense. If it’s not a fit, no harm done. But at least we’ll know.”

This reframes the conversation from you vs. me to us vs. the question.

As stated above, just remember this is a newer strategy and many attorneys and financial advisors are not familiar with this process. Make sure to seek attorneys who have experience with QDRO's for married couples like those at Ovando Bowen LLP. Even if we can't help you because you don't live in California or Hawai'i, we can refer you to an attorney in your state.

Step 9: Keep It About Shared Goals

At its heart, a QDRO isn’t about tax codes or loopholes. It’s about shared goals:

• Wanting more tax-free growth.

• Protecting each other from financial shocks.

• Building a retirement plan that works for both partners.

End the conversation on that note. Reassure your spouse that the reason you brought it up is love and protection, not control or secrecy.

Example Conversation Script

Here’s how a full conversation might sound when put together:

“I was reading about something called a QDRO. It’s a way married couples can move retirement money between each other using the same tool that usually shows up in divorces. I know that sounds weird, but it can actually help us — things like delaying taxes or protecting income if one of us needs long-term care. I’m not saying we should do it, but I thought it was worth learning about together. What do you think about asking an attorney like those at Ovando Bowen LLP to walk us through whether it makes sense?”

Final Thoughts

Talking about money is hard. Talking about legal strategies with intimidating names is harder. But if you break it down into clear steps — understand it yourself, choose the right moment, focus on “we,” share real-life benefits, acknowledge risks, and invite professionals into the discussion — the conversation doesn’t have to be stressful.

A QDRO isn’t right for every couple. But the ability to even talk about it openly with your spouse? That’s a financial win in itself.

Make sure you speak to an experience professional, such as those at Ovando Bowen LLP.